Heavy

When I was a senior in high school I remember being in class one day and the teacher asking the football players in the class their 'stats'.My friend Jack Rudnick went first and after hearing his weight (163) I heard nothing else. 163? 163? I weighed 167 at the time and even though I was a bigger girl than most of my friends I had no idea that I weighed more than a football player who easily stood 6inches taller than me.I felt heavy...really heavy.Not just weight wise but heavy with everything going on in my life at the time.My younger brother and I had just moved in with my mom's parents (God,rest their loving souls).My boyfriend at the time (who I amazingly maintain a friendship with today) had just broken up with me because he was afraid of what his wealthy friends would think of him dating a girl who wasn't in his financial class...yes he really said he was embarrassed dating a poor girl LOL!To top it all off,my brother had just entered his teenage years filled with angst and sadness in missing our mom.I also missed her badly but knew that as the oldest I would need to act tough to get through it for everyone.It was indeed a heavy time.

Although I made it my life's mission (or curse depending on perception) to make things 'lighter' for myself when I was old enough to control my own life.I've just recently been made aware again that there are just things I cannot stop from happening.I am right in the middle again of yet another heavy time.

You've heard the saying "Want to make God laugh? Tell him YOUR plans.."

One of the many plans I had mapped out for myself included my morning show partner and dear friend and confidant Dean Novak. After losing my co-host of 9 years Doug DeRoo to some personal issues he had to deal with,I sought Dean out to come have some fun with me on KGFM.It was a long process.Dean had a job at another radio station where he was happy and content.However,being on the air solo is not my strong point and since I knew Dean and liked him, I basically begged him to come over to my company.After months of negotiating with the big bosses,he did.We were happy,things were great (in our eyes) and although Dean had warned me time and time again about the instability of radio I acted like he was nuts because I had known that it took alot to get fired by my management.It just isn't the norm at our stations.Unless you're stealing,being a porno freak on the internet,drinking on the job, going to jail,making more money than you're bringing in, or your station flips formats..you're pretty safe.Dean has always been a little more apprehensive than I am about our profession and when the ratings were low,he would voice his concerns.Again,I would tell him to "stop talking that way you are scaring me, we're fine..we're good employees,it's all good".He would still say "Everyone in radio gets fired at least once Rachel,your employment is just some sort of an anomaly you're really lucky".I'd like to think it's a little more than luck.Maybe some of it has to do with the fact that I have actually grown up at American General Media.I've spent my entire adult life working there.For about 9 years I was on call 24 hours a day as the News Director for each station my company owned.They allowed me to give up that position the year I married Jake and wanted to spend more time with my baby stepdaughter and grandmother who had just been diagnosed with cancer.I will forever be grateful to my bosses for that,as I know other companies who would just say "tough it out".The owner of my company has seen me go through several different traumatic experiences since I have been employed there and each time he always says 'Take as much time as you need".They have been good to me and I think Dean would say that they were good to him as well.To clarify,he would probably actually say they were good to him up until last week.

Neither of us had any idea that Friday would be our last show together.When I left work Friday I said "See ya Monday friend". Then the owner asked me to go to his office where he let me know that Dean was being let go.I was stunned, sad and suddenly very scared.I knew our ratings hadn't been that great lately. I braced myself then asked if I was being let go as well.He told me there were plans being made and that I would be briefed on them the following week.Then I found Dean who was equally as shaken and he and I drove to his house.Dean is very honest,especially with himself and he basically thinks that it all came down to affordability,and the nations economy.In his interview with the Californian last week he admitted as much.Despite wishing he hadn't been fired his only other desire would have been to have had some advance warning.I believe this was why I also was not informed as I am not known around the office for keeping my mouth shut.Had I been told ahead of time,my bosses know me well enough to know that I would have told Dean and that it would have changed the tone of our show.Being a pro,Dean may have been able to carry on as normal but I tend to be a little emotional and frankly I probably would not have held it together.That is why the bosses are the bosses and I am the employee.
Not knowing what the plans for KGFM would be after Dean was fired he simply told me to go home and talk to Jake.Dean and I were both still in shock but his came across to me like an eery calmness.So I did what he said and went home and told Jake the whole story.Jake said "Rachel,AGM has never let you down in the past and whatever happens just know that business is business and this is not personal". I don't have the same mentality as Jake and Dean but I also think that as men,they have to act a little bit stronger than they actually feel sometimes.
When I found out a few days later that the plan KGFM had for the future not only included me but my younger brother as well, I was surprised,relieved, but I also felt guilty.A friend of mine explained to me that as women, we sometimes feel guilty for things that have NOTHING to do with us.Dean has a name for this..it is called the "mother gene". My surprise came from the fact that my brother had just moved to another city.He loves being a DJ so much though that he was driving back to Bakersfield on the weekends to do his normal radio shift on one of our sister stations.Dustin has an incredible personality though and like Dean he just happens to be one of my biggest confidants.Questions were coming out of my mouth at a rapid pace when I was told of the plan and at one point one of my bosses said "Rachel,we're sorry we didn't tell you but this is the way it works". They knew I didn't want to do a solo show and they knew my brother was good.To business people things are black and white.I'm more of what you would call a gray person.
Even though I was asked not to say anything to anyone about the new plan until it was released to the public I called Dean anyway.Surprised as he was he was still supportive and encouraging.Even as I write this though,I know I am writing it so my friend Dean understands how important he is to me.He can be supportive and encouraging and everything else but he's a human being and I don't know if the roles were reversed if I would be as gracious.One of the things I have learned from Dean in the years I have known him is to take a breath and let the dust settle before I react,which is one of the reasons it has taken me over a week to blog again.I just feel bad that all this happened and yet I know it was not in my control.
I'm going to miss seeing Dean every morning and getting among other things, the free therapeutic advice I have received from him over the years.I have also been told that I need to start looking forward to what is next...which is working with my brother.
This new chapter in my and Dustin's life is sure to be an exciting one.While he and I have both been in radio for a long time we have never done a show together.I want to make it clear though that Dustin did not and could not "steal" Dean's job.A newspaper reporter wrote a story about this new development and it was titled "Brotherly Shove".That headline was so upsetting!!Thankfully the story was factual and did not imply impropriety.
Dustin was as surprised as I was when we heard that we were being asked to do the show together.His first thought however was about Dean! Not himself...not me...Dean.
Since saying yes to the job,he hasn't had much time to think about anything else than moving back to Bakersfield.He's still hanging his clothes up as I write,excitedly discussing with an old radio friend about a topic that would be hilarious for us to discuss on air about family quirks.One of ours is that we like eachother...and hope that you like us too!

Take us along tomorrow as usual the microphones will crack at 5am on 101.5.It's the start of a brand new week.Hopefully a less heavy one for me and you....

p.s. If you want to get a hold of Dean you can email him at novakdean@hotmail.com